Here are a few things (more than a few) that I don't like to say out loud so I decided to put them here:
1.) Having a boy I have found myself falling into that mommy category that I don't want to be in. I'm not sure if it's because his dad and my dad are coaches or what but I WANT and EXPECT him to at least be average in sports. I want him to be competitive, athletic, coordinated, and a jock. Yes, he is 3....I know this. I want him to be well-rounded and multi-talented...not just with sports. BUT....I do want sports to be one of his traits. That was tough to even type. I feel so guilty.
2.) I think (obsess) about my weight every hour of the day. Literally!!! I daydream about being back in a single digit size and having skinny arms. Actually not being disgusted of pictures of me. Not constantly critiquing my body and being excited about shopping for MYSELF not just my kids.
3.) I am sooooo not good with confrontation and that really disappoints me. I have always wanted to be one of those girls who could speak her mind to anyone anytime. Not me....uh huh. I could count on one hand when I have mustered up the courage to say something. It really has to be something that bothers me...i.e. husband, kids, family. I would so get kicked off The Real World.
4.) I think I am way too hard on Cooper sometimes. I have that fear that our kids will have that "bebe kid" reputation. You know, the "Oh God! He comes Cooper! He is terrible!!" I really try to stop, breathe, and relax but sometimes I fail! I whip my kids. I don't beat them...but I whip them. My parents whipped me and it worked. I do find myself feeling regretful at night sometimes for yelling too much or losing my cool. Parenting......Gah it's hard!!!!!
5.) I worry....a lot. Thank you mother. I know that is part of being a mother but I worry myself silly sometimes. Thankfully, I have a husband who isn't afraid to tell me to get ahold of myself a chill out!!!
6.) I sometimes think I could have done more. Now, don't get me wrong. Teaching is a tough job! There are many many things I love about my job. I just think sometimes that I could have went in a different direction I guess. I'm not really sure what direction it may have been really. I do REALLY regret one thing. Not going off to college. Justin and I both regret not going to Ole Miss or anywhere but Southern. USM was OK but neither of us got what we think was the REAL college experience.
7.) I think one of the coolest jobs on the world would be an entertainer/actor. GLAMOROUS!! I know that is RANDOM but I have ALWAYS wanted to be one or the other. I can neither act nor carry a tune in a bucket but one can dream right. When I was young, I would get home from school, put on our Grease record or Paula Abdul tape and sing in a broom. I was a freaking rock star or at least I thought so! I was home by myself.....I didn't do this in front of anyone OK. Just me, myself, and I.
8.) I am terrified of getting sick. To more specific.....skin cancer. I have touched on this before but this is a touchy subject for me. My last visit to the dermatologist kind of scared me in a way like never before. I was sitting there listening to Dr. Roy talk to me about all of these different treatments we could do. As he was talking to me I started to feel very emotional and I have no idea why. Justin was with me so I acted like everything was fine but for some reason this fear just kind of washed over me. I constantly worry that one day I'm going to find a spot that's going to be the serious one. I've already had so many places burned, scraped, cut, and frozen that doctors are even surprised. I then think how selfish and petty of me. It's just a little skin cancer that is honestly pretty common. I know people that are going through a hell of lot worse than I could even imagine. STOP WORRYING JANA!!!!!! I can't help it though. I am constantly looking at places that look suspicious thinking there is another one. Then I get really vain and look at all my ugly scares and sores and think they are only going to multiply. Am I going to end up one big skin cancer???? I'm going to do everything I can try not to and it's weird how I can relate that back to one of my favorite elementary school teachers. Funny how life turns out sometimes. That one was hard too.
9.) I sweat like a dude. Actually, I sweat like a 500 lb dude and it is NOT OK!!! I could never have bangs when I was little because I would sweat so much. NOT COOL!
